A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
smell my finger.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
