Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
