Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My pussy is not your playground.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Randomize
