The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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