The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
