goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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