He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
