he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
