I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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