I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
