Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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