Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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