She said her name was "party"
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
