You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
