So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
