theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
