when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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