Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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