im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
