as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
