Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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