I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
