Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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