He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
