Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
