saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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