Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
