i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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