god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
