The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
