Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
