There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
