What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
