The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
