My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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