i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
