My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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