Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Someone shattered a urinal.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
