any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
