its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
