I can tuck mytits in my pants
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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