Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Randomize
