My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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