Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
