I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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