Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
