My friends, they love my intelligence
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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