I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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