How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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