I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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