Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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